This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person was me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I’d gotten the time of the train wrong.
I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table.
I want you to picture the scene. It’s very important that you get this very clear in your mind.
Here’s the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There’s a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.
It didn’t look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.
Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There’s nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies.
You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know… But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn’t do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?
In the end I thought, nothing for it, I’ll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, that settled him. But it hadn’t because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie.
Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice …” I mean, it doesn’t really work.
We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away.
Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies.
The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who’s had the same exact story, only he doesn’t have the punch line.
Violate My Privacy
|Violate My Privacy.|
|1. Are you a virgin?|
|2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?|
|3. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?|
|4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?|
|5. Can you commit to one person?|
|6. How do you look right now?|
|7. What exactly are you wearing right now?|
|8. How often do you listen to music?|
|9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?|
|10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2014?|
|11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?|
|12. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?|
|13. Are you good at hiding your feelings?|
|14. Can you drive a stick shift?|
|15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?|
|16. Are you going out of town soon?|
|17. When was the last time you cried?|
|18. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?|
|19. If you could change your eye color, would you?|
|20. Name something you have to do tomorrow?|
|21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.|
|22. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?|
|23. Are you nice to everyone?|
|24. What are you sitting on right now?|
|25. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?|
|26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?|
|27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?|
|28. Do you get a lot of colds?|
|29. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?|
|30. Does anyone hate you?|
|31. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?|
|32. Do you like watching scary movies?|
|33. Are you a jealous person?|
|34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?|
|35. Did you have a dream last night?|
|36. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?|
|37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?|
|38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?|
|39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?|
|40. Did you have a good day yesterday?|
|41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?|
|42. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?|
|43. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?|
|44. What’s the best part about school?|
|45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?|
|46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?|
|47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?|
|48. Were you single over the last summer?|
|49. What are you supposed to be doing right now?|
|50. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?|
|SEND ME NUMBERS AND I WILL ANSWER.|
One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
If you’re taking my body positive photos that I posted for myself on my blog and claiming I sent them to you in a sexual manner.. I have zero respect for you and that’s pretty sad.
But I do know the emptiness you feel, yeah the sun will always chase away the moon